Fear of (Over-)Commitment

There is a fine line between doing nothing or very little, and doing more than you should. Yes, my friends, I'm speaking of commitment. Commitment to self, family, being of service to the community, and the much-needed social outlets.

There was a time I was very absorbed in "self". Everything I did was about myself in one way or another. I was surrounded by people, yet I felt lonely and aimless. At the time, I was working for the best company ever, Burlington Resources. They sent out an email soliciting people to volunteer to work in the kitchen tent at a charitable event for CASA (a child advocate organization). So I dragged Vanessa out that morning and we assembled chicken sandwiches for the participants. Vanessa and I had such a great time together and I felt a part of something larger than myself. I learned more about CASA's mission and was touched that I could be involved in something that would benefit that organization.

So I caught the bug. I joined our Community Relations committee at BR and served for 2 years, the normal commitment. We had a cause every month and I participated in those causes, especially the SPCA fundraiser, which was very close to my heart. I did fun runs, pancake breakfasts, bake sales, and bowling for dollars. I loved it all.

When I began to stay home with Ben, I learned about the Pregnancy Help Center of Katy through my church, The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch. I connected with them and trained to be a counselor. I only got to see these young women in crisis for a short time before I became pregnant with Rex and had to leave my post there. I was sad, but it was a big commitment and was overwhelming at the time. It's still a cause close to my heart and we did their fun run a couple of years ago, The Walk for Life. They didn't have one in 2009, so we couldn't participate in it then.

I'm chairing a meeting for the month of January on Saturday mornings. I try to make the God Meeting at West Houston Community Center on Sunday mornings at 10, which means I need to leave that meeting right after the sharing to make it to church on time. I had previously been unable to go to church with Mike because Rex naps smack in the middle of the 10:05 service, so we switched to the 11:25 service. Mike has to take the boys on his own and drop them off at Sunday school. I pick them up after the service.

I go to meetings on Tuesday and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. The first Wednesday of the month, I go to dinner with a special group of women. The second Saturday night of the month, I have a bunco game with 11 special gals. The third Wednesday of the month, I have a book club I've recently joined and I believe we'll be reading a book a month. I've committed to start going to Granbury to help take care of my parents once a month. I can't make it in January due to my chairing commitment. I'm also taking over my parents' finances, as my father is having to take care of my step-mother more and more and is overwhelmed. And then there's the occasional commitment at Ben's pre-school. I enjoy helping out there when I can, but it's been hard since Rex is so young and has to go with me everywhere.

Oh, and did I mention I'm a full-time at-home wife and mom? That's the most important job I have and I have to do it well.

I'm not even mentioning my most important commitment (other than being a good mom, but this is inter-woven into it's effectiveness), which is working with another person just like me to make strides in my recovery. Lots of reading, writing, and reflecting. "Into Action".

Today during the service, our pastor spoke of opportunities to be of service at the church. I was scanning the list of positions needed and trying to figure out how I could fit it into our already insane Sunday morning. It couldn't be done. I felt terrible. Guilty. From the outside looking in, I felt that I may appear selfish or lazy. I had to remind myself that I'm already spread so thin and I'm not the only person in our community who can be of service. Man, I can be really self-centered sometimes. Like I'm the only one who can save the world! I did sign up to attend a luncheon to explore a new ministry for the broken-hearted called Merimnao. Recovery from addiction was mentioned as one of the potential areas of ministry. My ears perked up. Now how can I walk away from an offer to be of service like that? So I'll be checking that out next Sunday. Being broken-hearted is something I know too much about, although I've led a charmed life compared to many people.

So there it is. I'm possibly over-committed and it scares me. Because when I do too many things, I don't do each one of those things to the best of my ability. It's stressful, I can get resentments, I can get nit-picky and irritable. Nobody wants that. Just ask Mike.

But on the other hand, being of service gets me out of myself and gives me the greatest gift: Gratitude.

At this point, I think I'm just going to have to re-evaluate and see how things go this month and maybe the next. I may have to let some things go. I need to make some choices. But oh, what a wonderful problem to have. : )

Somehow I feel better having blogged about this. Maybe I feel vindicated, seeing all that is going on in our lives. It's a lot. All pieces of this beautiful life.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, my friends! Okay, so yeah. When I said "We're Baaaack!" last time, I guess I didn't mean it. I'm going to try to get better about blogging, but no promises. There's so much on my plate lately, it's a bit overwhelming...

Still! I think I can suck it up for one night, right?

Rexy is almost 11 months old. I cannot believe how much he's grown, yet his first year has seemed to go by slower than my previous two children's first years. He is, by far, my most challenging child. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's an exhausting thing, but not always bad. He's just a busy boy who is not as mobile as he would like to be. He is still not crawling in the conventional fashion (prefers to army crawl), but he's pulling up on anything that stands still and is quite vocal about not getting to do things as he sees fit. He is something else. Energy for miles, smiles for all, unbridled anger, and the appetite of a 17 year old athlete. Joy!

Ben is 4 now and is such a sweet, sensitive boy. He also has such a wonderful, dry sense of humor and a vocabulary that knocks us over every other day. He says the darndest things, as the saying goes. He has adjusted to Rex being around, but is now having to stake a claim on his things and play area. Ben LOVES floor puzzles and puts them together daily. Guess what? Rex loves floor puzzles too! He regularly army-crawls over to Ben's puzzles and it's like watching Jaws approach. I'm serious, you can almost hear that horrifying music as the tension builds. Ben is learning to tell Rex "no" and I'm learning to be more sympathetic with the plight of having a little brother who is...an infant. It's not easy for Ben, but he is learning patience and is still so loving with Rex. It's actually pretty amazing to see.

Vanessa is doing well in NYC. She is working as an assistant for a photographer and really enjoys the people with whom she works. It sounds like a quaint, familial environment and she is really happy with her job. Other than that, it sounds like she's living the New York life. She was down visiting for a week for Christmas and we had a wonderful time with the family. When she's home, there is a certain energy in the house and all feels complete, at least for me. When she leaves, part of my heart goes with her. There is nothing so hard for me as letting go of my first child. She is on her journey now and much as I miss her, I know it is time for her to grow, learn, and live. Still, I do miss her and as I write this, the tears are falling. Boy, I miss my baby girl.

Mike had a great year at work. He is still with HCA and is so blessed to work on a team with people he really loves. They're like a little family, much like what I had working with Chris and Wes at Burlington Resources. It's such a rare and wonderful dynamic to have. He is so fortunate. And I'm blessed to have him. He is an amazing husband and father.

Personally, I expect quite a bit of personal growth this year. I'm making changes, learning, and growing myself. It's not always easy and sometimes it's downright painful. But when I look back after I get through the trials, there's always so much progress. And that's the deal, right? Progress, not perfection. Sing on, sister.

For anyone who reads this, and even for those who don't, I wish all of you a peaceful, prosperous new year full of love and self-discovery. It's easy for me to look ahead and worry about something that hasn't happened yet and may never happen. But all I have is today and it's so easy to live just one day at a time.