The Love of a Child

Today was pretty uneventful, but it was productive. The boys and I made a trip to the grocery store together and, although it was brutally hot, we made it in and out pretty easily and hey, we accomplished our daily goal to get out of the house.

I'm feeling introspective this evening, so instead of writing about the mundane things we did around the house today, I'll write more about what's on my mind, or rather I should say who's on my mind. Ben.

I never believed my parents when my brother and I would ask them which of us they loved more. They always said they loved us equally. Some days I thought they loved me more and some days I thought they loved my brother more. It wasn't until I became a parent to more than one child that I believed it was possible to love your children equally, but to also appreciate their differences.

Ben is my sensitive child. From the day he was born, he's always been a bit more serious than your average kid. Even as an infant, he didn't smile much and always seemed to be in a tizzy about something. As a toddler, he had a frightening habit of banging his head on the floor or any other hard surface and screaming at the top of his lungs to show his frustration. I remember worrying about how he was going to survive in this world. He seemed too tender and too vulnerable to be able to deal with life's blows.

As Ben grew and started pre-school, he began to change little by little, but still maintain his sensitive nature. He became very social and really enjoyed other children his age. I noticed that, for the most part, he lacked the aggressiveness that some little boys experience as they are learning to be social. He was easily led and happily followed and mimicked other kids. If someone pushed him or took something away from him, he seemed to defer to them. He wasn't a wimp. He didn't come crying to me about it. He just seemed okay with others taking the lead.

I remember when I was about to deliver Rex. I was worried, secretly, that Rex would take center stage as the cute, tiny baby and that my feelings for Ben might change after I had a cuddly infant again. I'm embarrassed to admit that I worried about that. But I'm a champion at having irrational fears, so... It turns out that my fears were unfounded. For some reason, Ben and I have grown closer since Rex was born. He helps me by bringing me diapers and bottles and toys for Rex. When I am trying to hide my frustration with a crying baby, he gives me the most unexpected and needed hugs. When I'm so tired I can't move, but still have to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, or get dinner on the table, he wraps those tiny arms around my waist and says, "I love you, Mama". There is nothing that lifts my spirits more than when Ben says he loves me or thanks him for making him a peanut butter sandwich or tells me "Great job, Mama!" when I water the flowers on the deck.

Most days, he follows me around like a little duckling following his Mama duck. You'd think it would drive me nuts and there are rare moments that it does. But I love it more often than not. We are bonded.

It's funny. When I was pregnant with Ben, I remember thinking there was no way I could love another child as much as I loved Vanessa. Turns out there's more room in this mother's heart for the boundless love of this child. I love life's surprises.